Dear Jane,
I’ve had a casual girlfriend for a little over two years. I love her very much, and she is beautiful. We get along very well and have a very good relationship, but we lack a spark – more so I think – and we rarely have sex.
For me, that’s the only thing I want to fix and we tried to work on it. Every time I try to talk to her about things I’d like, she seems to take it as a personal attack, which she doesn’t. I just try to tell him what I want.
Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what I want, and I think part of the sexual energy is the allure of not knowing, of what might happen.
She was raised in a very conservative home and didn’t sleep with many people. I think I have a lot more experience and maybe I would like more “experience” in a lover.
Dear Jane, I’m torn between two women. I have great sexual chemistry with one but get along better with the other and wish I could combine them both
When we broke up for a few months once, I met someone else. We had great sexual chemistry and generally got along well, but not as well as my girlfriend does now.
I recently got a promotion and have to leave the state. My girlfriend changed her mind and decided she wouldn’t go with me because we’re not married. I would gladly propose but I can’t without finding our sexual chemistry.
On the other hand, the “ex” has reached out and wants to try again and I’m keeping an open mind about that.
In a perfect world, I wish I could combine both women and that would be perfect. I guess it’s a good problem to have and I’m very lucky but it’s torture because I don’t want to lose my girlfriend but I can’t keep her to myself if we don’t have sexual relations.
The international bestselling author offers expert advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her weekly column Dear Jane agony aunt
What advice do you have for me please? Thoughts?
From, Wanting the best of both worlds
Dear wanting the best of both worlds,
You can’t have it, I’m afraid.
While I don’t think great sex is an absolute prerequisite for a marriage, you both need to be on the same page, especially in the beginning. Our needs and desires change throughout a marriage, especially for women nearing menopause, but knowing that you have different wants and needs while dating, and being unhappy because you rarely have sexual relations, is a terrible basis for a marriage.
I don’t think any of these women are right for you, and I’ll take the time to think about why you feel the need to commit at this particular time.
You have a lot to do, with changing jobs and moving to another state, where your focus and energy needs to be.
I would also be extremely suspicious of any type of ultimatum; the fact that your girlfriend won’t move in with you unless you suggest it seems like the worst ultimatum. If and when you propose to someone, it must be because you have found a partner who meets you not on all levels, but definitely on the levels that are important to you, one of which is clearly sex.
Whether your girlfriend has a low libido or that’s the particular dynamic with you, believe me on what I’m about to say: it’s not going to change.
As for the ex, she must remain an ex. Good sex with the wrong person is just that: good sex with the wrong person. And the wrong person will never miraculously turn into the right wife.
Take the time to enjoy being single and explore exactly what you love when it comes to sex. Be comfortable with that and comfortable with sharing those needs and wants with the person you are having sex with.
I’d put all serious relationships on the back burner at least until you’ve settled in, and honestly until you’ve sown some more oats and become more comfortable with who you are in bedroom.
Dear Jane,
I think my husband is an alcoholic. We have been married for four years and have always enjoyed drinks together…we both like to go out for cocktails on occasion and relax with a bottle of wine or a martini in the evening, but recently I have started to notice that drinking more than double what he was six months ago.
I’ve always been used to him being in control at a party, but over the last few months he’s gotten sloppy and frankly it’s gotten a bit awkward. My husband works from home – and quite often when I come home after a day at the office, he’s already finished a bottle of wine.
I don’t want to turn a mountain into a molehill, but I’m starting to get really worried and I don’t know how I tell her that without sounding like I’m causing a scene for no reason. Even now, I’m afraid I look totally mad and hysterical… Can you help me?
Of, shaken and stirred
Dear shaken and stirred,
First, according to a new study released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in conjunction with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), nine out of 10 adults who drink too much alcohol are not alcoholics.
In fact, the only person who can really decide whether or not he is an alcoholic is the one who drinks too much.
And part of the problem with those we love doing too much of what isn’t good for them is less about their behavior, but about how it affects us, the people who wish them to quit. The fact that you write, that you fear you are mad and hysterical, suggests to me that intervention is necessary.
Of course, the right thing to do is to talk it over with him first, calmly and when he’s not drinking. But even if we want to think that if they loved us and saw how much they hurt us, they would stop, this is not the case with drug addicts and alcoholics.
If they could stop, they would, but they are in the grip of something they have no control over. Morning promises to quit will dissolve by cocktail hour, leaving partners furious, hurt, and convinced that if only the drinking stopped, everything would be fine.
It seems counterintuitive, but the best advice I can give you is to not focus on his drinking and focus on your own happiness on your way to an Al-Anon meeting.
Al-Anon is ostensibly for friends and family of alcoholics, but in truth, it’s for anyone who lets someone else’s behavior affect them disproportionately.
You will find the room filled with people who have learned to live and let live, who recognize that they are powerless over people, places and things, who realize that the only person they can control is themselves. themselves. One of the hardest lessons is detachment, recognizing that we each have our own path and that it doesn’t matter how much you coax, plead, threaten or yell. If he is an alcoholic, he will not be able to stop drinking on his own.
He’s also not likely to get into a 12-step program until he’s ready, and unfortunately that often happens when things hit rock bottom.
Whatever the end of your marriage, you probably already know that watching his drinking, counting bottles of wine in the trash, feeling your whole body tense as he gets more and more sloppy, is not not a way of life. Al-Anon will not only provide you with support and immense wisdom, but also tools and traditions that will allow you to find peace, whether he continues to drink or not.
I send you a huge hug.
